“Your value does not decrease based of someone’s inability to see your worth.”

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty down. I don’t have a job at the moment and the fact I have nothing to occupy my time, no income and no way of paying the bills that I have has started to get to me so I thought I would write down how I’m feeling and see if that made me feel any better. You know, get it out there rather than have it all bottled up.

So it started at the end of the last year. I work as a seasonal tour guide and absolutely love it (didn’t think I would, but I do) and I was going for a promotion there which would have secured me with a more permanent contract rather than only having work for about 6 months of the year. Unfortunately, contrary to everybody I worked with’s thoughts’s, I did not get the job I was going for which was the start of the downward spiral thing I’m in just now. I started getting really frustrated and resenting the people that were responsible for not giving me the job so decided that maybe it was the kick up the bum that I needed to actually do something I really want to do. 

I tried to put a positive spin on the situation, but almost two months later and I am really losing that positive spin. It’s difficult to keep it when you are constantly being rejected for jobs that you are more than qualified to do. This is at application and interview stage. It starts to make you doubt yourself quite a bit. One of the worst things I’ve had to endure the last couple of months is, “your interview was excellent, unfortunately we cannot offer you the position.” I know that they are trying to make you feel better by saying this, but lets face it - it doesn’t make you feel better. All it does is cement in your head the fact that your best just isn’t good enough.

A friend had posted something on Facebook yesterday which was just one of those “motivational” quote things which I don’t normally pay all that much attention to, but this one stuck out for me:

“Your value does not decrease based of someone’s inability to see your worth.”

so I decided this was going to be my mantra. Feeling down? Tell yourself this until you feel better. The problem is it isn’t helping. The reason, I think, it’s not working is because I am both parties in the statement. It’s gotten to the point where I cannot see my worth. If you’re told you’re not good enough for long enough you’ll start to believe it. And I have.

So it’s gotten to the point where I stay in bed until the afternoon. Sometimes I’ll shower, but more often than not it’s just easier to stay in my pyjamas. I spend pretty much the entire day alone because it’s just easier than having to pretend that I’m in a good mood or trying to put a positive spin on yet another rejection. I realised last week that I hadn’t left the house in 7 days and of those 7 days I probably only shower 3 or 4 times. And I am constantly missing friends because when I moved back home to my parents two years ago it meant I had to move 200 miles away from all my friends so any time I want to see them it actually needs planning.

I know there isn’t any structure to this and it really is just a bit of a wallow in self pity, but as I said at the beginning I just wanted to write down how I’m feeling and just put it out there. If I’m honest I don’t think it’s made me feel much better, but I have been looking at that quote in bold writing for the entire time I’ve been writing this so I’m hoping there is some subliminal thing going on and I’ll snap out of this soon.

That’s really all I have to say at the moment. All I was going for was the whole “a problem shared is a problem halved” thing.